So, a long time ago, I had a blog. My love for writing short snippets and posting them for the entire world to critique goes way back, y’all. This was during my college days, when I was a public relations student at the UNC School of Journalism. I eventually deleted the blog when I discovered that I was not able to keep up with posting daily (or even weekly). At the time, I had been told by a professor that if I did not update my blog and/or social media accounts regularly, I would NEVER BE HIRED ANYWHERE. So clearly, the blog had to go.
I don’t even remember the name of said blog, but I’m sure it was a doozy. At any rate, I decided today to post one of my old blog posts so that people can enjoy (and hurl rocks) at it once more. This one was titled “Ways to Make Calories Not Count.” I assure you that it is very scientific.
Ways to make calories not count:
They don’t count if you eat the uncooked batter/mixture out of the bowl…it’s not even fully made yet!
They don’t count if you’re on vacation.
Dessert calories don’t count if you eat the dessert for some other kind of meal…for example, eating the dessert for breakfast or snack.
They don’t count if you’re finishing someone else’s food for them…if it’s not your food, it’s not your calories!
Dessert calories don’t count if it’s a “healthy” dessert…anything involving raisins, nuts, carrots, fruit, etc. This would include carrot cake, apple pie, oatmeal raisin cookies, etc.
They don’t count if you’ve just broken up with your significant other.
They don’t count if you eat them right after you’ve worked out.
They don’t count if they’re on top of a salad.
They don’t count if you’re sick.
They don’t count if it’s your birthday. Or Christmas. Or New Year’s. Or Valentine’s Day. Or Halloween. Or Ben & Jerry’s Free Cone Day.
If the package/wrapper doesn’t say how many calories it contains, it’s safe to assume it contains zero.
They don’t count if you haven’t eaten in the past 12 hours.
They don’t count if you don’t actually look at what you’re eating. See no evil, digest no evil.
And my final golden rule on calories: If it makes you feel good, it’s not bad for you! We all know the healthiest heart is a happy one.